cosmo and jenn

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

wish you were here....

the only way i know how to cope, is to write.. so here goes...

it was a normal sunday morning.
sitting in church attempting to listen to the talks while wrestling with my 9 month old baby.
my new phone started buzzing. unsure of how to shut it off, i quickly answered it and hung up.
it was ashley.
i shot her a quick text.
hey sorry i'm in church and don't know how to work my phone! whats up?
.....i wish i wouldn't have asked.....
she text back immediately telling me she had news and asked for me to call her.
i told her i would call in about 30 minutes when church was out, but of course, my impatient curiosity got the best of me and I handed van to cosmo and told him I would be right back, walking out of the chapel, phone in hand.
I found the closest empty room and called Ashley.
She immediately picked up.
i hadn't even said hello and her voice cracked out a sobbing "jenn....."
my body tensed up, preparing for news that i knew was not going to be good.
"josh was killed in a car wreck yesterday morning..." she managed to blurt out between sobs.
I don't remember anything else that was said.
the whole room began to spin and everything went black. i felt like i had just been hit in the gut by a ton of bricks; the wind completely knocked out of me.
how? what? why?
my emotions escaped me.
i finished up the phone call and walked like a zombie back into the chapel. my tears were welling up as the realization of events begin to set in.
i sat down next to cosmo.
my whole body started shaking as i leaned over and whispered the news to him as fast as i could.
he looked at me in disbelief as his hand grabbed my leg in an attempt to comfort.
the tears began. one after another they fell down my face.
no one in the room existed.
my mind raced back to memories.
late night conversations and days filled with fun. there was never a dull moment with josh.
he knew who he was and was one of those people that sincerely didn't care what anyone else thought.
his small stature covered in tattoos. his energy was contagious and he almost dared anyone not to join in on his infectious good times.
he loved 80's metal and taylor swift. (sorry josh, was that a secret?) he tore it up on the drums. he loved wings at native new yorker and when going out to eat, you couldn't ask josh where to go, or that is where you would end up. even if you had already eaten there the past 2 nights in a row. he told stories with so much enthusiasm he could make a trip to the dentist sound exciting.
i'm reminded of how he held my hand during my first tattoos and laughed at me as my grip tightened.
during a particular rough patch in life, josh told me i was beautiful every time i saw him.
every.single.time.
when i would blush in embarrassment he would tell me i needed to hear it and believe it and he wasn't going to stop.
we were both turning 30 this year.... he's still so young....
i think about nights spent at the monastery. josh was always the smallest one on the sand volley ball court and it always made me laugh to see how pumped up he got about playing.
there were halloweens and birthdays. there were nights that were "perfect".

the closing song began to play and it snapped me back into reality.
my face was soaked from tears and my body felt numb.
i forced on a smile until we could go home.
cosmo gives me reassuring glances as he teaches his sunday school lesson.
the seemingly normal day, turned tragic, finally comes to an end.

see you on the other side josh. miss you already....

joshua slayton october 14, 1982 - july 21, 2012

Friday, June 8, 2012

you sneaky mom!

when van takes his naps, if he is being extra cranky, i will just duck down and sit on the floor by his crib and pop up and give him his binki when he spits it out and pop back down and wait for him to calm down and fall asleep. this is a lot easier then going in and out of his room and he usually goes to sleep within 5-10 minutes.

on this particular day, i was doing just that and playing on cosmo's phone while i waited.

all of a sudden it got really quiet.

maybe he's out..

then i felt a pair of little eyes looking at me.

i looked up to see this

he had pulled down the crib bumper and was staring directly at me, looking quite offended by the whole situation.

i started laughing so hard because it caught me so off guard. he had never done this before!

luckily, i had cosmo's phone with me and snapped this quick picture

have i mentioned before how much i love this kid?

Monday, May 14, 2012

being a mom is awesome

for mother's day, cosmo did a little photoshoot with van and gave me the pictures in a little book.

here are the reasons why these made me smile and laugh all at once and reasons you know a dad took the pictures

1) these were taken with his iphone

2) van is not wearing any pants

3) his tie is a newborn tie that i had not packed away yet

4) of course poop has to be included

i was seriously laughing and loving every single one.

i love my boys

cosmo being one of my boys. i'm not making a baby announcement or anything

it started out innocent enough...

the surprise message at the bottom

seriously guys. i love my mom.

eat your heart out ladies

i am one lucky girl

i have loved being a mom these past 7 months

nothing is better

of course i've had my moments where i cry and have no idea what i'm doing, but we all do...right?...RIGHT?!??

i couldnt ask for a better kid. he makes me laugh at the dumbest things and i have turned into one of those mom's that the only thing i ever talk about is my rad baby

but seriously, he is rad...

i am tired and the wrinkles are collecting under my eyes and i couldnt ask for anything more.

happy mothers day!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

no words.

6 months old

it just keeps getting better.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

just bragging.

i love dressing van.

pretty sure we have one of the raddest babies ever.

i usually find myself giggling as i put him in a new outfit.

i have to get it out of my system now while he cant protest.

thanks to aunt shasta for the awesome beatles onesie

look at those cheeks!

one of my favorite pictures of van.
he looks like a little man!

van is 5 months old.
he is rolling over but is pretty lazy and doesnt think its that cool, so it doesnt happen very often.
he will sort of sit up by himself, but realizes he's doing it and falls over.
he will go to sneeze and and cant get it out so he will coo. "ah-ah-cooo" it makes me laugh every time.
he is a night owl and thats when he comes alive, but once he goes to sleep, he will sleep through the night and sleeps in until about 9-9:30am. he definitely is my child.
he LOVES his dad and cosmo can always, without fail, get him to laugh a deep belly laugh.
when his dad gets home from work, cosmo will take van away from me and tell him that he just saved him from the "redheaded devil woman". van thinks its hilarious and always laughs at it.
he loves looking at himself in the mirror.
he rarely cries unless he's hungry or tired....except for this past week...
he is teething big time and is a drooly congested cranky mess, but i still dont feel or see any teeth.
(if anyone has suggestions for teething PLEASE SHARE! i have tried everything! he HATES cold things in his mouth and the gels and tablets only calm him for 5-10 minutes)

he is so happy and melts my heart every time he smiles at me.
he is very social and wants to be a part of things.
he loves flirting with pretty girls and will grin at them super big and then gets shy and will bury his head into my chest.
he loves his turtle that hangs from his car seat, his crinkly elephant, and his blanket.
he has just discovered blowing rasberries with his mouth and thinks its funny to spit all over everything.
he has really strong (fat!) legs that he loves to stand up on and his dad calls them his kick murder legs.
he doesnt like to be held for very long. he will start to fuss and the second you lay him down, he'll grin and know he got his way.
he loves his bath and loves getting his feet rubbed. yes. he's spoiled.
this kid already has us wrapped around his chubby little finger and we love his guts!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

a baby tale

well.... its been close to 5 months since van has been here and i need to get the birth story written down and documented before i forget... apparently you forget what a horrific experience it was...

so here goes if you feel like reading....a lot.

my due date was october 12th. i went into my dr the week before for my weekly appointment and he told me that he was going to be out of town on my due date. you could tell he was nervous to tell me because i had been threatening him my whole pregnancy that he BETTER be there to deliver Van. he knew all of my fears and my concerns and he is really good at calming down my nerves. i LOVE my doctor. he told me that i could be induced by any of his partners if i wanted to, or if i had not gone into labor by the time he got back, we would schedule for me to be induced the morning he returned.

October 12th came and went.

i met with one of his partners on my due date to get checked and no progress.

she wanted me to go to the hospital the next day and get an ultrasound to check my fluids and make sure they were ok and get a stress test done. (i think thats what they called it.. they monitored the baby for like an hour...)

if the fluids were low or something was wrong with the baby, they would check me into the hospital right then. i went home from the dr.'s office and kind of went into panic mode. if something was wrong i could potentially be having my baby the next day. i made sure my bags were all packed up and cosmo installed the carseat in the back of the car.

me on october 14th, 2 days past my due date, headed to the hospital for an ultrasound and stress test.

i had psyched myself up all night and all morning thinking there could be a chance i was having this kid.

we got to the hospital and they did the ultrasound and hooked me up to the machine. after being there what seemed to be FOREVER, everything came back fine and they sent us on our way.

october 15th, still just waiting...

this was my favorite thing about my belly. it was very convenient.

nothing happened. i had been having braxton hicks since about 20 weeks, so those were old news and not mistaken for real contractions. my dr kept telling me i would KNOW when i was having a real contraction... oh boy did i ever... but that is coming up in just a bit..

monday morning came and van was getting pretty comfy in there. he didn't want to even tease me into thinking he was going to come. my dr was going to be back the next day on tuesday october 18th so we called and got it scheduled for me to be induced on tuesday october 18th at noon.

this was really going to happen.

i didn't sleep much monday night. i was scared and excited and did i mention scared? I didn't really want to be induced because i had heard it can make the labor process very long and tiring, but i was already 5 days overdue and at that point, i just wanted him OUT.

tuesday morning, october 18th, i woke up at 7:00am with a very very strong pain in my stomach. i woke cosmo up- "i think i'm having a contraction". and then another one hit. it took my breath away.

yup. thats a contraction!

we contemplated going to the hospital early, but i didn't want them to send me home... so we decided to just wait until i was suppose to go in at noon.

i tried to stay calm and get some more rest.. noon finally came and we headed to the hospital.

october 18th, 12:00pm in front of the hospital

holy crap i was HUGE.

last picture of me and cosmo as just "us"

we got all checked in and i let the nurses know that i had been having contractions. they asked me how far apart they were, and i told them i had no idea. i hadn't timed them. i just knew they hurt and i wanted drugs to make it stop. they laughed at me, but i was serious.

they got me all hooked up and ready to go. when they checked, i was already at a 4 and 80% effaced and my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. i tried to be a tough guy for a little bit. i STRESS a little bit. i was afraid to get my epidural too early because i didn't want it to wear off. but i was done (because i'm a wuss) and the anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural. i was FREAKED out to get it, but he was amazing and it was over fast, with only minor discomfort. he was amazing and i was still able to move my legs and wiggle my toes. i was numb from about the thigh up. the contractions slowly started to fade away and my smile grew bigger.

my doctor came in at this point and checked me. i was at a 5 and he asked if i wanted him to break my water.

was i going to feel it? no?

sure. why not?

so he broke my water and we waited.. and waited. and waited....

the board in my room... notice who i'm delivering....

cosmo changed the name and everyone that came in thought it was hilarious.

i didn't think it was funny until AFTER i had my epidural. then i saw the humor.

more waiting...

Van's heartbeat kept dropping so they put me on oxygen. it freaked me out a little because the nurse came in and all of the sudden she was moving faster then lightning and moving me around and hooking me up to oxygen. once we got me moved in a different position and the oxygen on, his heart rate went back up.

and we waited some more.

with all of this waiting, my epidural had worn off twice and they came in twice to give me more. i did NOT want to feel my contractions if i didn't have to.

it was about 10pm and i was finally at a 9. the nurse angie (who was AMAZING) told me i was there, and to let her know when i got the sensation to start pushing. i asked if it was going to hurt, cuz if it was, i wanted more epidural, and she just said it would be pressure and i would know when i needed to push.

but nothing happened...

midnight rolled around and i didn't feel anything.

she hooked me up to some pitocin to see if that would help. she started to have me practice pushing to see if that would help speed things along also. she showed me how to breath and the most effective way to push. we were doing this for about an hour (while cosmo was sleeping) then all of a sudden:

HOLY CRAP I AM FEELING THE MOST HORRENDOUS PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.

my fear had happened. my epidural was wearing off. i was feeling my contractions. i HAD to push.

my nurse went out in the hall to get my doctor. during that short time, i punched the side of the bed numerous times and said several cuss words. my mom (oh i forgot to mention my mom is there too) tried her best to calm me down, but i just wanted to push. and i wanted more drugs.

please...make this stop... why in the H E double hockey sticks would ANYONE do this without drugs?!

my nurse and my dr finally come back in after what seemed like forever. it was probably less then 5 minutes in reality.

and its time.

i'm pushing. but i'm feeling my contractions. i beg for more of my epidural drugs but they want me to be able to feel to push. i push for another hour. they keep telling me i'm doing great and they can see his head. i just want everyone to shut up. and WHY IS COSMO STILL SLEEPING!!???? WAKE HIM UP!@&#^%

they get cosmo up and the nurse makes him grab a leg. up until this point he wasn't sure if he wanted to watch, but she gave him no choice. my mom has my other leg. my nurse angie and my dr are sitting on the bed telling me i'm doing great.

they can see the head..

any time now!

keep pushing.

this is where things get a little out of control for me...

my epidural had completely worn off. i was feeling EVERYTHING.

it was honestly a scene from a movie. i was swearing and yelling and crying.

my poor mother's ears. (sorry mom. i was out of it)

i couldn't push anymore. i was done.

they kept telling me they could see his head.

i kept thinking it would be any minute, but i just kept pushing.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10.

breath. relax.

RELAX?! are you kidding me?!

at one point i remember no one was counting for me and i just screamed as loud as i could-

"SOMEONE *cussing* COUNT!"

and i just kept pushing.

finally october 19th 3:31am my sweet baby van came into the world while i felt everything.

but this is where things got scary.

they had known there was meconium in the sack, so they had a team in the room waiting just in case anything was wrong.

(side note- i learned about all of this AFTER the fact. i didn't know it was going on at the time, and i'm glad i didn't. i was so out of it)

van was completely gray and lifeless.

my dr quickly cut the umbilical cord, rushed him to the team that was waiting and apologized to cosmo for not being able to cut the cord.

van wasn't crying.

i just remember looking over and seeing him and thinking

"whoa thats a big baby"

i had no idea what was going on. my mom and cosmo were silent. cosmo was video taping and the doctors working on van told him he probably wanted to turn off the camera.

i was in a daze. time moved so slow.

no baby crying.

and then finally. there it was.

the sweetest sound i had ever heard.